SPHERES OF CRACK
by OwlinAMinor
Summary: It was originally based off of the spheres of influence in China in the late 1800s and the problems that was causing for China. And then it turned crack-y and not historically accurate. A birthday present for Kageegak.


**SPHERES OF CRACK**

**DESCRIPTION: It was originally based off of the spheres of influence in China in the late 1800s and the problems that was causing for China. And then it turned crack-y and not historically accurate. A birthday present for Kageegak.**

**PAIRINGS: USUK. UKUS. PruCan. FrUK. FRussia. I don't even know what else.**

**GENRE: Humor & Parody**

**INSPIRATION: I came up with this in the shower. Explains everything, da?**

**WARNINGS: Crack, crack and more crack. Did I mention crack?**

**DISCLAIMER: Хеталия не моя. :) Also, I don't own the last sentence before the "The End." That's something copyrighted by the awesome flyingsaucerscout. (HAPPY NOW, MADDIE?)**

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><p>China was starting to get seriously pissed.<p>

He hadn't minded at first when the Western nations had started trading with him – after all, more trade meant more money – but this had gone too far. _Much_ too far.

"I saw it first, you frog," England yelled at France. "This part of China is mine!"

"No, it's mine!" the frog protested. "I took goods from it first!"

"Well, I sent a ship to it first!"

"Well, one of my men was killed on it first!"

"Look, why don't you stop arguing and just give the territory to me. That would be much better, _da_?" Russia cut in.

"NO!" the two bickerers immediately yelled.

Germany attempted to stop them from getting into a full-on fist fight, but it was no use. And, since they were fighting on China's land, they gave him a new back pain in the process.

"Hey, guys, _aru_," China said, "This is actually _my_ land …"

Nobody heard him.

"_My_ land," he tried again. "_My_ people. _My_ goods. _My_ rivers."

Still no response.

"YOU CANNOT TAKE MY LAND WITHOUT PAYING ME FOR IT, ARU!"

Nothing.

"GET OFF MY LAND RIGHT NOW OR I WILL NEVER TRADE WITH YOU AGAIN!"

And _now_ they turned around.

"Trade? What trade?" England asked. "New trade? Did you find some sort of new product, something we could never get in Europe, that you'll let us take from you – I, I mean trade with us for?"

China sighed. "No, aru. I just wanted to tell you that you're fighting on my land without my permission. It isn't polite, aru."

France turned to whisper in England's ear – well, if you can call it whispering, when China could still hear him. "How can we tell him that he's inferior to us and doesn't have the right to demand good manners from us?"

…

It was no use.

China just let them fight.

It wasn't long before England, France, Russia, and Germany were all having a huge fight/orgy/swearing contest (it was quite impossible to tell which it was, as it had elements of all three) in the middle of one of China's major rivers, blocking up his internal transportation.

Let me repeat: _blocking up his internal transportation._

That means _rice was not getting through._

And if there's one thing you should know about China, it's that he loves his rice. Loves. Worships. Kisses the ground upon which it grows. And so on and so forth.

So China got his badass on. His badass was like a superhero cape; he could pull it on when he needed it and he would be transformed into _Super-Badass-China-Aru!_ It was bright yellow (the color of emperors) and consisted of a uni-tard with "the most badass nation ever" emblazoned on the front in Chinese characters, goggles, and a cape. Oh, and also high-heeled boots. (He wasn't sure where those came from. Russia, perhaps. Scary thought.)

_Super-Badass-China-Aru_ flew into the fray like a … um … thing that flies … not very well. He was about to get out his totally amazing wok of badassery and general kick-butt-ness, but his swag was stopped when they all began to laugh at him. (England was rolling around on the ground, he was laughing so hard. He may have been ever so slightly drunk. Where he got the beer, nobody knows. His imaginary friends are suspected. Or, well, they would be, if anyone else believed in him.)

Laugh! At him! At his amazing badass! That had taken him _centuries_ to perfect! (Seriously, he'd been working on it since the time of Qin Xi Huang. And that, for those of you unfamiliar with Chinese history, is what is generally known as a _long-ass time_.)

Luckily for _Super-Badass-China-Aru_, he wouldn't be laughed at for long, because he was soon _saved_!

BY THE HERO!

The Hero swooped in out of nowhere (read: Canada) in his TOTALLY HEROIC HEROICNESS OF ALL THINGS HEROIC.

"HELLO, EVERYONE!" he shouted in his Total Hero Voice. "I AM THE HERO! AND I AM HERE TO SAVE MY BUDDY CHINA! WHO IS TOTALLY NOT BEING TREATED FAIRLY BY YOU UNHEROIC EUROPEAN TYPES! LIKE, LEGIT, DUDES, FIGHTING ON SOMEONE'S LAND AND DESTROYING HIS CROPS AND STUFF WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION IS TOTALLY _NOT COOL_. _NOT COOL_-NESS NEEDS TO BE PUNISHED! AND BECAUSE I AM THE HERO, I AM TOTALLY CAPABLE OF DOING THAT! SO GET READY FOR YOUR HEROIC PUNISHMENT!"

(It was heroic. Or can't you tell?)

He took his Paddle of Justice and was all ready to slap Britain in the ass (take that as many ways as you like) when _Super-Badass-China-Aru_ came up on him from behind and hit him in the balls with his wok, which he had charged with the power of thousands of Chinese emperors and made into the most powerful weapon in the universe. Think more powerful than Excalibur, Martin the Warrior's sword, the One Ring, Zeus' master bolt, and all three Deathly Hallows _put together_.

So The Hero was down. He was sad about that, but there was nothing he could do. Except feel pain in his balls. That had seriously hurt. Like, not cool, dude. (He was seriously rethinking his Chinese-are-friends-not-food policy.)

With The Hero out of the way, _Super-Badass-China-Aru_ was free to go after everyone else. Which he did. He did this by hitting them. A lot. Mostly in the balls, because everyone knows that Chinese fight dirty (particularly when they are in _Super-Badass-China-Aru_ mode.)

Because this author is not particularly good at writing fight scenes, she will instead include a few of the noises that could be heard in that part of China at the time the fight (well, not fight so much as _pain-fest_ was going on.)

Are you ready?

Okay. Three, two … unicorns … one and a half … pasta … one and a quarter … England looks dead sexy in a miniskirt … one … ZERO!

"I AM THE OWNER OF THIS LAND! NOT YOU! GO TO HELL, INFIDELS!"

"NOOO! I'M MEEEELTING!"

"Am I Catholic or Protestant? God, I don't know …"

"A light … I see a light … Is it coming closer? … No, it's receding … COME BACK, LIGHT! COME BACK! I WANT YOU! YOU LOOK SHINY!"

"Is it just me or does China look really sexy when he's in _Super-Badass-China-Aru_ mode?"

"It is not just you. He is hotter than Florida in the summer, _da_?"

"… Wow, Russia, you're even more of a pervert than I thought …"

"NO BEING PERVERTED ON MY TERRITORY!"

_CRASH!_

_BANG!_

_POW!_

"I BELIEEEVE I CAN FLYYYYY – _OOMPH!_"

"… Why are there so many Chinas? I thought there was only one … ugh … I don't feel so good …"

…

Finally, all of them were knocked out. Even Canada, who had started fighting China for no apparent reason whatsoever.

_Super-Badass-China-Aru_ surveyed his battlefield, full of the unconscious bodies of his enemies.

He was satisfied.

They would never invade him again.

He then magically made it winter and slid back to his house on a Twister board. Because everyone knows that only the true badasses use Twister boards as sleds.

And then, they woke up.

Yeah. China's not really the best at knocking people out … Hitting them in the balls? Great. But keeping them unconscious? Not so great.

"Hey, Iggy," The Hero said, no longer in his Total Hero Voice. "So China beat you up, and he beat me up … wanna have sex?"

"Ooh Mr. Hero," England replied, his eyes shaped like hearts. "You can fuck me into oblivion as much as you want …"

He then suddenly turned pirate.

"… as long as I can fuck you into oblivion first."

And then The Hero was scared.

And he ran away to Canada. Who got freaked out by America's scared face and ran away to Prussia. Prussia knocked America out (and he's actually good at it, so America stayed out for an entire year) and fucked Canada with his Five Meters and then with his Awesome Crop. Canada wasn't entirely sure what was going on but liked it because he was Canada and there was somehow maple syrup involved.

And then Kumajiro, France, and Russia had a threesome.

AND THEN SPAIN AND ROMANO HAD SEX.

The End.

(Note: I'm sure you're curious as to what Japan was doing during this time. Well, he was stealing a whole bunch of China's natural resources as he built up an empire that America would later destroy during World War II. Nobody even noticed him, because he's a total ninja like that. Canada trained him, of course.)

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><p><strong>... I am never re-reading that.<strong>

**On another note, that was kinda fun to write ... Perhaps I'll write more crack-fiction vaguely based off historical events. Any opinions? Tell me in a REVIEW. :D**


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